I love getting up early in the morning to write. Some how the morning just brings such clarity.

Life is so unexpected. And we make decisions based on feelings, and hopes, and dreams, and often what we believe are truths.

So now I get to tell you a truth. I have been avoiding posting about this because not only is it a very personal part of my life and something I have not spoken to very many people about, but it almost seems that if I post it, it really has been real. That the recent experiences of life I have lived really happened, and I have to take ownership of them. And I have to recognize that my feelings are still very raw. And that hurt and pain come, often because of other people’s choices. It’s kind of like waking up from a bad dream and laying there thinking…did that really happen or was it all a big ugly dream?

In my last post, {grains of sand}, I spoke of how my life recently has not turned out the way I thought it would…but I was quite vague.  I am ready to tell my story now…

The real reason I came back from DC is because I fell in love. And I thought he had too. And We had made big plans and dreams together. And I was so excited to live the life I feel that I have been meant to live for some time. To be a Wife and Mother.  You see, he has two little girls, and a very sad story of unfulfilled hopes and dreams of his own from his former marriage. And there was so much promise of what our lives together could have been.

I kept a journal of the time I was in DC while our relationship developed. I wrote real feelings, raw and vulnerable…Here is the last entry I wrote as I began my journey back to Utah:

{chasing dreams}

Saturday June 18, 2011

I cannot believe it has been over a month since I wrote to you! SOOO much has happened between you and me in this time frame! But I want to tell you what is in my heart and mind today.

Today you showed me the song called Lead Me, by Sanctus Real and I had a really interesting realization. The phrase “Chasing things I could leave behind” I just had this huge spiritual realization. I am here in DC to chase some dreams. That is why I came here in the first place. And through all of this, I didn’t get very far because somehow, out of nowhere…my dreams changed. You became my dream. I am not sure when it happened. I can’t give you an exact date, but my dream became what a life with you might be like. “A new world calls for me to follow…”. Here I thought I was off for the most grand adventure a life could ever have. And when I look at it, it really has been just that. But it has not been the grand adventure I thought it was going to start out to be. The adventure has been finding myself. And finding you. Right back where I started.

I found myself in the fact that I have realized that I am not the big city girl I thought I was. I am much more happy and content surrounded by the people I love and who love me, by the familiarity of “home.” By the life I left for “grander things.” I found that I don’t need to go across the country to fulfill any part of who I am or what I want. I found that I like being the “big fish in a little pond.” I found that happiness really is more about what you believe inside, than by what you surround yourself with.

And then I found you…

The kind of man who I have always wanted. Strong in the gospel, committed, consistent, FUN. A person who needs me, but even more, that I need too. And so you are the new dream to chase. But please…don’t make me chase you too long!

As I make this trip home, there will be some bumps. And there will be times that my “Acura” might over heat, or run out of fluids. But inside the “Acura” it is a smooth ride. It’s full of music and laughter and excitement to be on this new adventure. It’s full of a life that has no regrets. A dream that was chased, and had new realizations and dreams placed within it. A dream full of hope and…well,…love.

So “Ben” (name changed for his privacy)…Lead me with strong hands. Stand up when I can’t. Don’t leave me hungry for love…Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you’re willing to fight. That {I’ll be} the love of your life. I know {we’ll make} this our home. {So I won’t} feel alone…

Let’s go chase some dreams together

Wow…even just reading that has brought back a flood of memories. Mostly of the hopes that I had as I made that trip home.  But unfortunately…again…dreams change. And it’s when the other person changes, that you have to make hard choices that you don’t always want to make. And this is what I had to do.  Unfortunately for me…over the last 4 months of being home, the man who I loved changed. And what was important for me, and what I needed from the relationship he wasn’t able to give. And that’s ok. I know he thinks that I don’t understand this. And maybe I was not very god at communicating this to him, but I do. And as much as it broke my heart, I knew that the only way for me personally to progress was to tell him goodbye.

Sometimes doing the best thing…and the RIGHT thing…are the times that require the greatest strength of all. I have found this to be so true.

So let’s get to the song…because that really is why you are here, right?!

Asking someone to be just friends when their heart has loved the way mine does is near impossible. It’s asking me to be and act differently than who I am. It felt often like he was asking me not to breathe. I couldn’t squish myself into that mold anymore. And I tried and tried and tried. But the more I tried to be what he ‘needed,’ the more I lost myself. And the unhappier I became. I was making him my priority while he as simply keeping me an option. And when you love someone and realize this is as much as they love you back, your heart breaks.

At one point I believe that he believed he loved me and wanted to marry me and wanted a life full of laughter and fun and love, with me. I don’t want anyone reading this to go away thinking badly of him. It’s just that people change. And sometimes change means hurting someone in your life to get where you need to go.

About 3 weeks ago “Ben” and I took a little break from each other. Just some time to clear our minds and take some time to think about what we really wanted out of this ‘relationship.’ “Ben” and I were supposed to go out to a nice dinner and a concert, to see if we could find a way to put our ‘relationship’ back together in a way that both of us could manage. However, some choices were made that led instead to breaking things off completely a week before we were going on this planned date.

When Tuesday came, and I sat looking at the tickets to the concert pinned up on my board in my office, I had to make a choice.  I could go to the concert with someone else, or give the tickets away. After an attempted date with someone else failed, I decided not to go.  But when I got home my mom suggested she and I go. So we did. We went to dinner and to the concert.

It was the Hilary Weeks CD release concert to her newest CD, Every Step. Those of you who know me well, know I LOVE her.  She is so inspiring.  In her concert she wrote and shared this video and song about how sometimes we go through heartbreaks. At the beginning of this song and video, I thought…oh dear…her come the tears. I started thinking about how this night was supposed to be spent with this man who I loved and cared about. I thought about how my heart was feeling so broken. And I thought about how much I didn’t ever want to do this again. That loving someone is too hard. That it always ends in broken pieces and disappointments.  But then something happened….  As I listened, I was touched with the spirit and the words.  In the chorus she sings:

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through

Was the price that I paid to see this view.

And now that I’m here, I would never trade

The grace that I feel and that faith that I find

Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.

I used to pray he would take it all away

But instead it became

A beautiful heartbreak.

And some how…I knew.  I knew that I was going to be ok.  I knew that it was ok to grieve the loss something special. Something that I believed in with a  whole heart. But that all this was to bring me to a new view on a mountain that I was already overcoming.  And that the bittersweet tears I cried were ok. Because they mean that I loved. And they meant that I took a risk. And that Heaven has a plan for me. And even though my heart was and is still a little broken, and I miss my friend…I know that I will be ok.

I’ve realized that I can handle this 2 ways. I can cry, and ache for what was and what might have been, and then I can shut sown and shut off. I can close myself emotionally from other opportunities to find love and be loved, building a wall around my heart so high and tight that no one will be able to squeeze in. Or, I can allow myself to see that this has been for my benefit. It’s allowed me once again to see how capable I am to love. It’s allowed me to know that taking risks are what give me growth and faith. And instead of a high and tight wall, a picket fence. One that I allow people to approach and talk to me over and through, with a gate that opens inward that I get to choose who enters, and how far, and how long they stay.

Don’t get me wrong. I have been so angry and frustrated and I want to do the first, shut down and shut off. And for about a week I allowed myself to feel this way. But then something happened…

I knew that I could keep crying and being sad, or I could look at this situation as a opportunity to learn something about myself.   And what I have learned is that instead of being sad and angry and bitter, that being happy is so much better. I have learned that there are so many people out there that have heart breaks just like mine, and over so much worse.  I met a friend who lost his wife and little girl all in one day. I have a friend in a nightmare of a marriage, feeling so stuck.  I have a coworker who left the church and feels so angry at God and abandoned, but is finding their way back.

Heartbreak is all around me.  And it comes in so many different forms. And everyone experiences it.  But the biggest truth I have learned in my heartbreak that I am experiencing now, is that its how we view the heartbreak. We can let it consume us. We can let it influence our behaviors and choices in a negative and selfish way, or we can find happiness in what we cannot see right now. We can know that God is the Conductor of the orchestra of our lives.  And He will make beautiful music with our lives if we will choose to allow Him to do so.

And just like she says in the song, now that I’m here, I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I’ve found through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights, and over the last few months as I struggled through this…my tears have now turned to tears of joy over what I now am able to look at as  {a beautiful heartbreak}…

Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks

 

I had it all mapped out in front of me,

Knew just where I wanted to go.

But life decided to change my plans

And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.

 

I knew there was no way to move it,

So searched for a way around.

Broken hearted I started climbing

And at the top I found,

 

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through

Was the price that I paid to see this view.

And now that I’m here I would never trade,

The grace that I feel and the faith that I find

Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.

I used to pray that He would take it all away,

But instead it became…

A beautiful heartbreak.

 

I never dreamed my heart would make it

And I thought about turning around.

But heaven has shown me miracles

I never would’ve seen from the ground.

 

Now I take the rain with the sunshine

Cause there’s one thing that I know.

He picks up the pieces

Along each broken road.

 

Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through

Was the price that I paid to see this view.

And now that I’m here I would never trade,

The grace that I feel and the faith that I find

Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.

I used to pray that He would take it all away,

But instead it became…

A beautiful heartbreak.

 

I would never trade

The grace that I feel and the faith that I find

Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.

I used to pray that He would take it all away

But instead it became…

A beautiful heartbreak.

Advertisements

I think sometimes music and lyrics are made to change us. They often put thoughts into our minds that make us think really hard about life. About who we are. About what we want. About what we’d change. About where we want to go from where we are now.  Some songs are well written. Some music is well written. And sometimes, when an artist gets really lucky, they just nail it.  They sing from their soul about something that they feel and believe, and it comes out in every note, feeling, and possible expression they can squeeze out of a song. And then somehow, it reaches into our heart and soul and triggers an emotion within us that leads us to think and often change things in our own life.

I was sitting thinking the other day. Reflecting on my life recently and all of the ups and downs I’ve been experiencing and the song ‘So Small’ came into my mind and I could not get it out! I didn’t even own it at the time, but because I could not stop thinking about it, I, of course, had to buy it. As I listened to the lyrics, I realized that everything that she says in this song is true.  It expressed exactly how I’ve been feeling. It says so many of the things I wish I could say right now.  I’d dissect this song and let you in my mind a little, but this one is a little too close to the surface at the moment to tell. Here is the song:

What you got if you ain’t got love?
The kind that you just wanna give away
It’s okay to open up
Go ahead and let the light shine through

I know it’s hard on a rainy day
You wanna shut the world out
And just be left alone
But don’t run out on your faith

‘Cause sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you’ve been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

It’s so easy to get lost inside
A problem that seems so big at the time
It’s like a river that’s so wide
It swallows you whole

While you’re sitting around thinking ’bout what you can’t change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time’s flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count ’cause you can’t get it back

Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you’ve been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

Oh, and when you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small!

Sometimes that mountain you’ve been climbing
Is just a grain of sand
And what you’ve been out there searching for forever
Is in your hands

And then you figure out
Love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Oh, it sure makes everything else
Seem so small

There are a couple phrases in here that have recently hit home in quite a tender way for me. Particularly, this section:

While you’re sitting around thinking ’bout what you can’t change
And worrying about all the wrong things
Time’s flying by, moving so fast
You better make it count ’cause you can’t get it back

Man I do this. And I am SOOOO good at it! I don’t want to live life with regrets. And a lot of the time, this tends to get me into some predicaments. Most recently, I moved to Washington DC for several months. I thought I was looking to change my whole life there. I was living a dream I had had for many years, only just months later feeling the need to return to Utah.  And many of the reasons I THOUGHT I was returning for have not turned out the way I had hoped. But they were risks I had to take. And so many people in my life don’t understand and judge me for my seemingly crazy decisions. TRUST ME! I have questioned them myself many times.  But they are my decisions. And I make them based on a lot of thought and feeling and prayer….and hope.  But often things don’t go the way we think they should. And often there are so many unforeseen reasons.  And then we feel like we are having to climb mountains. And we work, and we cry, and we stress, and strengthen our hearts and we grow and we realize that it really is true. That love is all that matters in the end and that those mountains we struggle to climb turn out to simply be {grains of sand}.

It is time for music to be a part of my life again. It’s not that it ever stopped being a part of my life really. It’s just that it has not played as major of a role as it used to. SO I’ve been trying to think of a way to incorporate music more back into my life.

This last week I went to a concert that was truly amazing and filled my soul and the empty bucket, as it were, that I have been feeling lately.  It was Lea Solonga, the Disney Princess voice of Jasmine and Mulan, and also a very famous Broadway star.  She talked a lot with us in the concert about how music changed her life for the better, and how she loves to share her gift with others.  This brought tears to my eyes as I thought so much about how music really has changed my life for the better.  There have been so many inspirational people within my music career that have lifted me, inspired me, strengthened me when I was so weak, pushed me to limits that I thought I would surely break under the pressure, only to come out shining like a star in my own way.

And so I have decided to start this blog…about the music that changed and continues to change my life.  I have thought long and hard about what song I might choose for this first post.  Because it has to be something truly special. A song that really inspired me to move, to grow, to live.

People come in and out of our lives. Some come only for moments.  Some come and say hello and leave. Some will come, stay for ‘tea’ and leave you feeling warm and cozy.  Some come, and make a room in your heart and stay for quite some time, only one day to leave. And when they leave, that room stays empty for a long time sometimes.  And some people come, and fill your heart with love, and stay for a really long time.  But no matter who it is, or how long they stay…they leave an imprint.  They change you. And often, it is ‘For Good.’

 

http://youtu.be/CQJaZO2nfGg
(Glinda):
I’ve heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you…

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You’ll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend…

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I’ve been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda):
Because I knew you

(Both):
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I’ve done you blame me for

(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There’s blame to share

(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both):
Who can say if I’ve been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda):
And because I knew you…

(Elphaba):
Because I knew you…

(Both):
Because I knew you…
i belive I have been changed for good…
i have been changed, for good