I love getting up early in the morning to write. Some how the morning just brings such clarity.
Life is so unexpected. And we make decisions based on feelings, and hopes, and dreams, and often what we believe are truths.
So now I get to tell you a truth. I have been avoiding posting about this because not only is it a very personal part of my life and something I have not spoken to very many people about, but it almost seems that if I post it, it really has been real. That the recent experiences of life I have lived really happened, and I have to take ownership of them. And I have to recognize that my feelings are still very raw. And that hurt and pain come, often because of other people’s choices. It’s kind of like waking up from a bad dream and laying there thinking…did that really happen or was it all a big ugly dream?
In my last post, {grains of sand}, I spoke of how my life recently has not turned out the way I thought it would…but I was quite vague. I am ready to tell my story now…
The real reason I came back from DC is because I fell in love. And I thought he had too. And We had made big plans and dreams together. And I was so excited to live the life I feel that I have been meant to live for some time. To be a Wife and Mother. You see, he has two little girls, and a very sad story of unfulfilled hopes and dreams of his own from his former marriage. And there was so much promise of what our lives together could have been.
I kept a journal of the time I was in DC while our relationship developed. I wrote real feelings, raw and vulnerable…Here is the last entry I wrote as I began my journey back to Utah:
{chasing dreams}
Saturday June 18, 2011
I cannot believe it has been over a month since I wrote to you! SOOO much has happened between you and me in this time frame! But I want to tell you what is in my heart and mind today.
Today you showed me the song called Lead Me, by Sanctus Real and I had a really interesting realization. The phrase “Chasing things I could leave behind” I just had this huge spiritual realization. I am here in DC to chase some dreams. That is why I came here in the first place. And through all of this, I didn’t get very far because somehow, out of nowhere…my dreams changed. You became my dream. I am not sure when it happened. I can’t give you an exact date, but my dream became what a life with you might be like. “A new world calls for me to follow…”. Here I thought I was off for the most grand adventure a life could ever have. And when I look at it, it really has been just that. But it has not been the grand adventure I thought it was going to start out to be. The adventure has been finding myself. And finding you. Right back where I started.
I found myself in the fact that I have realized that I am not the big city girl I thought I was. I am much more happy and content surrounded by the people I love and who love me, by the familiarity of “home.” By the life I left for “grander things.” I found that I don’t need to go across the country to fulfill any part of who I am or what I want. I found that I like being the “big fish in a little pond.” I found that happiness really is more about what you believe inside, than by what you surround yourself with.
And then I found you…
The kind of man who I have always wanted. Strong in the gospel, committed, consistent, FUN. A person who needs me, but even more, that I need too. And so you are the new dream to chase. But please…don’t make me chase you too long!
As I make this trip home, there will be some bumps. And there will be times that my “Acura” might over heat, or run out of fluids. But inside the “Acura” it is a smooth ride. It’s full of music and laughter and excitement to be on this new adventure. It’s full of a life that has no regrets. A dream that was chased, and had new realizations and dreams placed within it. A dream full of hope and…well,…love.
So “Ben” (name changed for his privacy)…Lead me with strong hands. Stand up when I can’t. Don’t leave me hungry for love…Chasing dreams, but what about us?
Show me you’re willing to fight. That {I’ll be} the love of your life. I know {we’ll make} this our home. {So I won’t} feel alone…
Let’s go chase some dreams together…
Wow…even just reading that has brought back a flood of memories. Mostly of the hopes that I had as I made that trip home. But unfortunately…again…dreams change. And it’s when the other person changes, that you have to make hard choices that you don’t always want to make. And this is what I had to do. Unfortunately for me…over the last 4 months of being home, the man who I loved changed. And what was important for me, and what I needed from the relationship he wasn’t able to give. And that’s ok. I know he thinks that I don’t understand this. And maybe I was not very god at communicating this to him, but I do. And as much as it broke my heart, I knew that the only way for me personally to progress was to tell him goodbye.
Sometimes doing the best thing…and the RIGHT thing…are the times that require the greatest strength of all. I have found this to be so true.
So let’s get to the song…because that really is why you are here, right?!
Asking someone to be just friends when their heart has loved the way mine does is near impossible. It’s asking me to be and act differently than who I am. It felt often like he was asking me not to breathe. I couldn’t squish myself into that mold anymore. And I tried and tried and tried. But the more I tried to be what he ‘needed,’ the more I lost myself. And the unhappier I became. I was making him my priority while he as simply keeping me an option. And when you love someone and realize this is as much as they love you back, your heart breaks.
At one point I believe that he believed he loved me and wanted to marry me and wanted a life full of laughter and fun and love, with me. I don’t want anyone reading this to go away thinking badly of him. It’s just that people change. And sometimes change means hurting someone in your life to get where you need to go.
About 3 weeks ago “Ben” and I took a little break from each other. Just some time to clear our minds and take some time to think about what we really wanted out of this ‘relationship.’ “Ben” and I were supposed to go out to a nice dinner and a concert, to see if we could find a way to put our ‘relationship’ back together in a way that both of us could manage. However, some choices were made that led instead to breaking things off completely a week before we were going on this planned date.
When Tuesday came, and I sat looking at the tickets to the concert pinned up on my board in my office, I had to make a choice. I could go to the concert with someone else, or give the tickets away. After an attempted date with someone else failed, I decided not to go. But when I got home my mom suggested she and I go. So we did. We went to dinner and to the concert.
It was the Hilary Weeks CD release concert to her newest CD, Every Step. Those of you who know me well, know I LOVE her. She is so inspiring. In her concert she wrote and shared this video and song about how sometimes we go through heartbreaks. At the beginning of this song and video, I thought…oh dear…her come the tears. I started thinking about how this night was supposed to be spent with this man who I loved and cared about. I thought about how my heart was feeling so broken. And I thought about how much I didn’t ever want to do this again. That loving someone is too hard. That it always ends in broken pieces and disappointments. But then something happened…. As I listened, I was touched with the spirit and the words. In the chorus she sings:
Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through
Was the price that I paid to see this view.
And now that I’m here, I would never trade
The grace that I feel and that faith that I find
Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.
I used to pray he would take it all away
But instead it became
A beautiful heartbreak.
And some how…I knew. I knew that I was going to be ok. I knew that it was ok to grieve the loss something special. Something that I believed in with a whole heart. But that all this was to bring me to a new view on a mountain that I was already overcoming. And that the bittersweet tears I cried were ok. Because they mean that I loved. And they meant that I took a risk. And that Heaven has a plan for me. And even though my heart was and is still a little broken, and I miss my friend…I know that I will be ok.
I’ve realized that I can handle this 2 ways. I can cry, and ache for what was and what might have been, and then I can shut sown and shut off. I can close myself emotionally from other opportunities to find love and be loved, building a wall around my heart so high and tight that no one will be able to squeeze in. Or, I can allow myself to see that this has been for my benefit. It’s allowed me once again to see how capable I am to love. It’s allowed me to know that taking risks are what give me growth and faith. And instead of a high and tight wall, a picket fence. One that I allow people to approach and talk to me over and through, with a gate that opens inward that I get to choose who enters, and how far, and how long they stay.
Don’t get me wrong. I have been so angry and frustrated and I want to do the first, shut down and shut off. And for about a week I allowed myself to feel this way. But then something happened…
I knew that I could keep crying and being sad, or I could look at this situation as a opportunity to learn something about myself. And what I have learned is that instead of being sad and angry and bitter, that being happy is so much better. I have learned that there are so many people out there that have heart breaks just like mine, and over so much worse. I met a friend who lost his wife and little girl all in one day. I have a friend in a nightmare of a marriage, feeling so stuck. I have a coworker who left the church and feels so angry at God and abandoned, but is finding their way back.
Heartbreak is all around me. And it comes in so many different forms. And everyone experiences it. But the biggest truth I have learned in my heartbreak that I am experiencing now, is that its how we view the heartbreak. We can let it consume us. We can let it influence our behaviors and choices in a negative and selfish way, or we can find happiness in what we cannot see right now. We can know that God is the Conductor of the orchestra of our lives. And He will make beautiful music with our lives if we will choose to allow Him to do so.
And just like she says in the song, now that I’m here, I would never trade the grace that I feel and the faith that I’ve found through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights, and over the last few months as I struggled through this…my tears have now turned to tears of joy over what I now am able to look at as {a beautiful heartbreak}…
Beautiful Heartbreak by Hilary Weeks
I had it all mapped out in front of me,
Knew just where I wanted to go.
But life decided to change my plans
And I found a mountain in the middle of my road.
I knew there was no way to move it,
So searched for a way around.
Broken hearted I started climbing
And at the top I found,
Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through
Was the price that I paid to see this view.
And now that I’m here I would never trade,
The grace that I feel and the faith that I find
Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.
I used to pray that He would take it all away,
But instead it became…
A beautiful heartbreak.
I never dreamed my heart would make it
And I thought about turning around.
But heaven has shown me miracles
I never would’ve seen from the ground.
Now I take the rain with the sunshine
Cause there’s one thing that I know.
He picks up the pieces
Along each broken road.
Every fear, every doubt, all the pain I went through
Was the price that I paid to see this view.
And now that I’m here I would never trade,
The grace that I feel and the faith that I find
Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.
I used to pray that He would take it all away,
But instead it became…
A beautiful heartbreak.
I would never trade
The grace that I feel and the faith that I find
Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights.
I used to pray that He would take it all away
But instead it became…
A beautiful heartbreak.
{the song that changed my life} 